For months, I’ve been assaulted by multiple versions of the same clickbait-y headline:
“Six Easy Things You Can Do to Be Unrecognizable by August!”
The number of things varies. Often, one of them involves protein.
This is one of the more infuriating trends I’ve encountered as of late, which is really saying something, as the internet boasts no shortage of enraging things.
Like most contemporary humans, I’ve spent much of my life being told that I can and should improve upon myself in some way, like a device that’s perpetually in need of an upgrade. And because growth is often a tango with our own limitations, I’ve spent far too much time believing it.
There were the teenage years, marked by trying any product that promised to remedy the awkwardness no potion could ever dissolve. There was young adulthood, witness to bras that could double as flotation devices and footwear that required taking tiny little steps like a Pomeranian. There was even a stretch circa mid-2020 when, while grasping for some semblance of control, I became uncharacteristically invested in my protein consumption.
But when, pray tell, did the goalpost shift to unrecognizable? When did the upsell become not an upgrade but a total change in identifying factors? Who am I supposed to become, Wolverine?
The witness protection program notwithstanding, recognition is generally regarded as a good thing. A beautiful thing, even. To be seen, known, acknowledged.
After all, to recognize something, you first must know it. To recognize oneself, you must have a solid idea of who you are. With greater self-knowledge, we are able to see ourselves in others. We are able to regard all of the versions, all the stages and incarnations that dwell within us.
One of the more profound and beautiful things about the privilege of growing older is an expanded scope of recognition. I love the idea that, as we age, we become “more ourselves,” shedding the weight of outside influence and gaining a confident, almost reflexive authenticity. Perhaps your personal style becomes more extra. Perhaps your beliefs grow stronger, your opinions more firmly held. Perhaps you become impervious to trends and schemes. More comfortable in your skin.
The other day, I was placing a food order behind a woman who was well-practiced in this matter. “I used to be shy, but now I ask for exactly what I want!” she exclaimed. As we waited near one another for our names to be called, she shared another tidbit. “One of the greatest things about getting older is that I stopped giving a f*ck what anyone else thinks of me!” No one is selling her on being unrecognizable by August.
Of all the things I’ve been discouraged from being—too loud, too opinionated, too emotional, too bold, too much…being myself was never one of them.
There comes a time—maybe even a few—when we discover that the farthest imitation can lead us is to being a bad version of someone else. The best, most authentic thing we can offer the world is our being.
To be a person in the modern world is to walk the line between self-improvement and self-acceptance (and sometimes the former marketed as the latter). It can be a worthy aim to learn stuff, to examine our habits and re-examine our beliefs. But self-improvement can also be a hamster wheel, keeping our focus firmly in one direction—on ourselves.
Yes, I have been known to wear sunglasses around town when I feel particularly unkempt. And yes, I have dodged behind a tree or a seasonal display when trying to avoid the kind of loose acquaintance I suspect wouldn’t remember my name even if I did say hello.
But in all but a few instances, I want to be recognizable. Not like Matt Damon at Starbucks, but like when you run into an old friend who you haven’t seen in years, but their essence is unmistakable. Or when a dog sees another dog—like, any other dog—and recognizes another of their kind. Or when a friend points out an item and says, “It’s so you.” Or sends a link to something they know you’d appreciate.
When you receive an award, a thank you, an achievement, it is called recognition. For better or worse, social media is an endless loop of people seeking recognition.
Of course, I get that anyone selling unrecognizability is peddling some surface-level change—via a class or a product or a streaming program. But the language we use matters. To play devil’s advocate for a second: even if we undergo a profound transformation, overhaul our lives in a way that aligns with our most authentic selves, or accomplish something we’ve hardly dared to dream…don’t we still want to be recognized for doing so? How else do we bear witness? How else do we inspire each other?
Recognition is a combination of being noticed and acknowledged. The gift of validity. And really, is there anything nicer than being seen for who we are?
The best companions on the road of life are the people who recognize us—the true us, the real us, devoid of posturing or pretense. What really gets me about these headlines is they’re missing the biggest takeaway. What if, instead of spending our efforts trying to dodge recognition, we lean all the way into the act of it? For others, yes, but also (and especially) for ourselves.
If you’d like to hear me read this week’s issue, including a cameo from NYC and a few random asides, the recorded version is available here.
Card of the Week
Here is this week’s card for the collective, as well as some thoughts to carry into the days ahead. As most modern readers will tell you, the tarot is not about fortunetelling, nor is it about neat, definitive answers. The cards are simply one path to reflection, a way of better knowing ourselves and others through universal themes. If this reading resonates with you, great! And if not, no worries. Take whatever may be helpful and leave the rest.
My first impression of Temperance went something like this: Beautiful. And boring.
On the surface, it’s not fiery or provocative or dramatic. It’s not bursting with optimism or anxiety or any big emotion. The energy behind this card is calm. Neutral. Moderate. Like…beige.
But my job is to present you with a message for this week—to sit with this card and interpret its wisdom, as well as the ways it can enrich our days. And having done that, well, I’m pleased to report that Temperance has a lot to say.