Five Big Questions: Thao Thai
Plus a game-changing book and a quote I love.
Welcome to the first installment of Five Big Questions, a short interview series where awesome people share a bit about who they are and what moves them. The concept is exactly as it sounds — each person is given the same five questions to answer however they wish.
Today’s guest is the wonderful Thao Thai, a writer who lives in Ohio with her husband and daughter. Her newsletter, Wallflower Chats, features essays on topics like motherhood, books, culture, race, gender, writing — as she puts it, “all the things that make us curious” — and it’s as warm and insightful as she is. I can’t wait to read her debut novel, Banyan Moon, which is out in June.
Without further ado, here’s Thao, in her own words.
What’s one thing you struggle with that people might be surprised to hear?
I struggle with feeling like I’m enough. Call it the immigrant daughter in me; the recovering perfectionist; the loner kid on the playground. It’s hard for me to celebrate the wins, because they never feel fully earned. I always suspect I’ve unwittingly pulled the wool over someone’s eyes; that my accomplishments can easily be taken away, because they have always been a sort of hoax. Or, worse yet, I worry that all I have to offer are a series of accomplishments, and that there is nothing innate in me that is worthy, outside of what I can do for others. I think all this comes from a place of self-loathing. As I grow older, I’m more invested in uncovering the origins of this thinking, and hopefully, one day building a more loving relationship with myself.
What’s one thing you’re proud of?
I’m proud that I’ve built a life where I can follow my curiosity, whether that’s in writing my novels or just following a thread that interests me. Right now, I’m researching a bunch of fascinating things: colonial Vietnamese politics, the perils of religious dogma, origins of common sewing stitches, book banning in Florida. That sense of curiosity has always been an asset for me, both in my career and how I relate to those around me. I don’t take for granted that I have a life that keeps me passionately engaged, even if things can get a bit exhausting in my brain sometimes.
What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever read?
There’s no one like Ocean Vuong when it comes to finding the right words. Time Is a Mother is his moving second poetry collection about grief, identity, and family—and all the layers of love in between. He published the book after losing his own mother, and it feels steeped in such haunting emotion.
What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever heard?
Recently, a friend shared Sean Thomas Dougherty’s poem “Why Bother?” on their feed and it affirmed why I want to write. Language connects us in all the ways, and we can honor our humanity by using our words with care.
What’s one consumable thing you recommend?
TikTok is my usual panacea for boredom, and one of my favorite accounts is @mndiaye_97, which offers bite-sized videos of random animal hijinks that never cease to amuse/horrify/fascinate. Always a welcome break from doom-scrolling!
Thank you, Thao. You’re the best.
This recommendation is not for everyone. But if you identify as a perfectionist (and oh, you know it if you do), then it is most certainly for you.
My perfectionism has long been my downfall. You can often find me mired in details, grasping for control, too critical to let a project fly. I’ve spent so many years getting in my own way that I've practically become a human detour sign. But I didn’t think a book could possibly change that.
As it turns out, I was right. Nothing can change that. And that is precisely the point.
According to psychotherapist Katherine Morgan Schafler, perfection is not something to be cured, corrected, or — horror of horrors — solved by “finding balance.” It can not only be managed, but utilized as the power it is.
I could say a lot more — that it’s well-researched and packed with insights, yet digestible and conversational in its approach. But perhaps the most powerful thing I can share is that the launch of this new series is brought to you, in part, by this book. I’d been sitting on this project for a long time, thinking long and hard — too hard — about what format it should take. After reading this, I felt empowered and inspired to take action. It helped me step out of my own way.
When it comes to self-improvement books, often the best you can hope for is insight, entertainment, maybe an actionable tip or two. Rarely does a book change your view, your approach, your life. This one did. Maybe it will do the same for you.
The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control
by Katherine Morgan Schafler
If there’s anyone you’d like to suggest for upcoming interviews, any books you’ve read and loved, or anything else you want to share, feel free to leave a comment below or drop me an email at carolinecala@substack.com.
Thank you so much for reading! See you on Sunday. x
I really enjoyed this! I recently read How to Sell a Haunted House- it was delightfully twisted, poignant, and hilarious. Also an unexpectedly moving commentary on grief and family trauma (if that’s your thing).
I needed to read this today. I needed to read that another immigrant is also going through same thoughts and processes I go through. Every. F*ing. Day.