A Short Note From the Worst Week
There is no good way to say this: My mom passed away last week.
I have often mused on how someone with such a massive role in my life and my personhood rarely, if ever, appeared in my writing. But my mother fiercely valued privacy (she would hate this sentence, and the one that came before it, and the one before that…) which I have always honored and respected.
My grief, however, is my story. And as it is my belief that sharing our truth is one of the surest ways to help ourselves and others, I expect I will have more to say with time and reflection.
In the meantime, though, I want to thank this community for the supportive role you’ve unknowingly played during what was, behind the scenes, a challenging time. You’ve given me space to ponder, to connect, and to be fully myself, and that has been the most wonderful gift.
As I don’t have the bandwidth for a card this week, I’ll end with these lines from “In Blackwater Woods” by Mary Oliver (never not a good idea), which I’ve been turning over in my mind:
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold itagainst your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
Sending you love and care for the week ahead. x
Oh Caroline, my heart breaks for you and your loved ones. I wrote here after my Dad passed suddenly in September of 2022 and you and your community were so kind. This might sound like a platitude but it comes from my heart: She will always be with you. She is echoing into the universe forever. Your love for her is immortal, as is her love for you. That does not erase the pain you are feeling right now, of course, but there is power and sparks of joy amidst this terrible grief that will grow brighter in time. Sending you love and kindness.
Caroline, losing a mother is brutal. It gets at your being, sense of self, and identity, regardless of the relationship's health. I'm so sorry you must face this loss and wade through this kind of grief. I hope in these coming weeks you care for yourself, accept help from others, and be fully with ones you love as you grieve. My mother died 15 months ago at age 65. While your grief is uniquely yours, know that you're not alone. It's the shittiest fucking club to join, but at least it's not a club of one.