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Megan's avatar

i read a quote many years ago that literally changed my life of desperately wanting to be liked by EVERYONE. "i used to worry about what people thought about me, now i wonder what i think about them." i had never, ever thought about it that way.

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

I love this! Thank you for sharing.

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Becca Covey's avatar

My Sunday night ritual includes reading this newsletter and I’m so glad you didn’t stop! This one particularly resonated - I’ve struggled with wanting to be “liked” my whole life. Why do I care so much? I don’t know but it’s visceral and probably something to do with my perfectionist people pleasing. You gave me some thoughts to ponder ❤️

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Hannah Levy's avatar

A thoroughly relatable post. I've been deconstructing my ingrained people pleasing qualities and, for me, it often boils down to fear of being misunderstood, fear of not belonging. I'm so grateful for the places where I truly feel community to help me counteract those feelings, both physical and digital spaces like this one here. 3 of Cups is a lovely way to remind ourselves that authentic connection matters more than general likeability ❤️

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Jeanette's avatar

I loved this bit: 'Being liked is not the same as being respected. Or valued. Or understood. To be liked hardly scratches the surface. And yet, it’s often presented as something to aspire to.'

Thanks for sharing such well written musings on this relatable topic. I can get so stuck in this dynamic of trying to get others to like me like its the most important thing ever.

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Melissa's avatar

I am so glad you did not stop the newsletter! I look forward to reading it every Monday morning. It fills me up and is a great way to start my busy work week. Thank you.

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you, Melissa! I'm honored to be a part of your week.

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Maggie Langrick's avatar

I don’t like this letter - I LOVE it! Thank you for your writing. It’s relatable and inspiring.

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you, Maggie! I love this comment. 🙃

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Jacey's avatar

Very glad you didn't stop this newsletter. It's my favourite Substack read every week! Thank you ❤️

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you, Jacey. ❤️

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Minh's avatar

This quote is everything:

“Like” is one of my least favorite words in the English language, right up there with “nice.” From a purely linguistic perspective, they’re tepid, passive. There is usually a more descriptive option.

To “like” something means it falls somewhere between “adore” and “tolerate.” We don’t love it; we like it. It’s fine

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Jennifer Palmer's avatar

I’m clearly behind a couple weeks, but I’m so glad you continued this newsletter. Your voice was always a favorite on Cup of Jo, which led me to your insta, your blog, your newsletter. You’re also teaching me about tarot, something I was never interested in but find fascinating and I love it. Thanks Caroline. (You also encourage me to keep running, and to pretend that someday I will run a marathon. [spoiler: I will never run a marathon. Half maybe. Not full])

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you, both for this message and for following my work through the years. It really means a lot. And honestly, I never thought I'd run a marathon, either. (Full or half!) But if it's something you have even a passing interest in, you definitely can. (I find it helps if you just put it on the calendar no matter how far away it is or not-ready you feel... there's nothing quite as encouraging as a looming race.)

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Meg Wardle's avatar

Late to the party, but was finally able to finish reading this (without interruption) and wanted to say thanks for another great newsletter. Also, your captions are killer. They really spark a lot of joy for me! You have a gift. I am so here for it.

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you, Meg! Especially glad you enjoy the captions. :) Your comment is well-timed as I'm currently working on this weekend's newsletter and very much appreciate the boost! Thanks for reading.

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Jess's avatar

What a perfect card draw. Connection, collaboration, celebration. Things we all need as humans, more than we know!❤️

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Paddy Meld's avatar

None of the following is to suggest you might feel otherwise, but I think for me the sometimes difficult fine line to walk is between being friendly and kind in the sorts of situations you describe (the barista) out of a deep belief that being friendly and kind in almost every situation is inherently good vs. acting friendly and kind out of a secondary desire to be liked superficially. At this point in my life, I trend towards the former more than the latter, but its still a line I keep in mind and try to be aware of in a given social interaction. Being friendly and kind more often than not takes effort, for sure, but its worth restating that I believe its intrinsically good. My dad taught me this as a kid, DFW reiterated this to me as a young adult, and now I have taken this approach in my own life of my own slowly reasoned volition. Until a person has reckoned with this choice for themselves, I might cautiously recommend friendliness/kindness as a good default mode for being the world…regardless of your motivations on a particular day. Thanks for this post, its been helpful and fun to contemplate your ideas!

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Julie G.'s avatar

Slowly, I became attached to this new ritual of opening Substack to read you. Now, with this newsletter, I've become an addict.

(Deep down, I feel like this barista is doing everything he can to keep you from finding out that you are his favorite customer. If he lets it show, he'll probably be doomed by a Beauty and the Beast type of spell...)

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Hahaha, the barista is truly an enigma, so nothing would surprise me at this point! But in all seriousness, thank you. I'm very glad you're reading.

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Kelly Slonaker's avatar

Thank you for this post ❤️ Wanting to be liked is how I spent so much of my young adulthood. My dad used to say something that I never really believed until recently: "What other people think of you is none of your business." I used to think I needed to know. That it would somehow make me a better person. Or at least make people think I was a better person. HOW EXHAUSTING. Now, I still work on being a better person, but for me. Not anyone else. (Ok, maybe also for my husband, and family, and friends I really care about, and my cats; i.e. those who don't just like but love me, and vice versa. THAT'S IT THOUGH.) P.S. I *adore* your newsletter and am so glad you didn't stop writing it!!

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Sandra Ann Miller's avatar

So glad you didn't stop this because I just got here! And yours is such a great 'stack to read. Thank you for it. I don't know that I need to be "liked," per se, but I certainly don't like being not liked for no apparent reason. I mean, give me a sec to piss you off. I know I have that power. But to be faced with immediate, unwavering disdain, I'm going to want to break that ice or find out the reason. It's an itch that needs scratching. xo

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Hahaha, that's an excellent way of putting it. I know the feeling well! Very glad you're here. xo

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Gabi's avatar

As a woman, I feel so much pressure to be likable. I’m always worried about how I’m perceived, mentally replaying conversations long after they’re done. This week’s post was a good reminder that striving to be likable can get in the way of who we ultimately want to be.

Also, I love starting my week with your newsletter.

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