I lost my mom six months ago (she was my best friend) and I don't have children so Mother's Day is not for me. The deluge of messages is overwhelming. I just want to hide until it's over. I've deleted every message that has anything to do with Mother's Day except this one. All of this is to say, thank you for this post. It made me feel seen and eased my grieving heart.
Thank you, Suzan. I’m so sorry for your loss and understand the impulse to hide. And am honored to have brought you any slice of comfort. Sending you warm thoughts in the coming days.
Caroline, I almost didn’t read this today due to my grieving heart. Glad I did- 7 months into this year of firsts without my mom is not easy! I think of you often knowing we are in this year of first together- sending you love ❤️
Helen, I thought of you while I was writing this. (As I do, often.) As terrible as it is to know someone else is grieving, I am comforted that we are in it together. Sending lots of love your way.
I am 73. My mother died 10 years ago, and I miss her. I have some hard realities in my life right now. I try to take care of myself, but I never considered that I missed being mothered, but of course I do. So now I know that I can mother myself. What a wonderful idea. Thank you Caroline.
"What I bump on is the question of performing instead of relating." Yes!
It all makes me cringe because there is no Mother's Day card or gift guide that represents my relationship with my mother. Unless there was one that said, "Happy Mother's Day to the first suspect on a Dateline episode about my death due to the 9-1-1 call reporting concern for the dog but forgetting to mention her own daughter."
I hope you make it through this week peacefully. And maybe a lil treat for the mother you are to yourself, your dog, your friends, and all of us. <3
What a beautiful, heartfelt piece. You say you're not convening with "little Caroline," but every essay you write that helps you get a deeper understanding of yourself is doing just that. I, too, feel squeamish at the thought of chatting to my own inner child (partly because I do find myself thinking 'there's not really an inner child, just scars from childhood that need to be poked to heal, must we make that grim reality so twee') but I continue to show up for myself in ways my own mother didn't, and I can feel that work being done without ever having to actually name it. It's messy and it's raw and it's awful some days, but it's worthwhile, both (in my case) for my children and (in all of our cases) for ourselves.
I'm estranged from my mother currently, so I didn't send a card this year. In previous years I have been the person browsing all of the cards though - not because I was looking for the right message as much as they all had the wrong one. I never wanted to send my mum a card that becried her as my best friend or the best mum in the world or, heaven forbid, the ones that shout "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT YOU!" because that wasn't my experience - I knew exactly what I'd do without her because she was so absent. A message calling her a great mum felt like a message that her hurtful behaviour was OK. It's funny that we see someone browsing such cards and think it's because they want to convey gratitude, when in my case it was the opposite - I begrudged the feeling that I had to acknowledge that she was my mother at all
Thank you for this, it was touching and really resonated. I hope this week goes well for you, and that you do something really really great for yourself in the name of mothering current Caroline, if not the little one inside. (Although maybe an ice cream or something for her would go down well, too?)
My mother and my wife never liked any Hallmark holidays, including Mother's day. Forced, thus false, from their POV. So, Mother's Day doesn't affect me. My birthday is when I miss my mother the most.
That is an unbelievably cute picture of you. It made me smile.
Sending you some comfort and peace this month, Caroline. My husband lost his mother just 3 weeks ago after a long battle with cancer. And 4 days before her passing, I had my first ever positive pregnancy test. I'm now at 7.5 weeks, and it's still too early to tell anyone yet. To say that Mother's Day feels very strange this year is a HUGE understatement. Thank you, as always, for your vulnerability and relatable writing. I'm going to share this with him tonight.
Thank you, Audra, and thank you for sharing. Isn’t it so strange and also beautiful how life carries on? Wishing you and your husband all the best, this week and in the coming months. 💛
Thinking of my mother in law who never got to meet my son. Thinking of my wife who never got to introduce her mother to him as well. Thinking of how to hold space for her on this upcoming Mother’s Day and also hold space for her mourning her own. Thank you for these words.
Five years since I lost my mother and this time of the year is always tough. I do look around wistfully at those who still get to brunch with theirs. But as you wrote: "anyone who grieves or breathes is well aware, a lot of days are difficult. Some without warning. Some without reason."
At least some companies politely ask if I would prefer to opt out of the Mothers Day emails. Well, thank you...
Each year the pain gets a little less sharp and intense. But then part of me feels guilty that it does...
But you're right...the "mothering" that comes from other sources (like your written word 😊) makes it easier
So glad you wrote and shared this, Caroline. Knowing you’ll say it exactly as it is. Young Caroline is lucky to have you because of that.
Complicated relationship with my mother and my own role as a mother, but I feel you so deeply on mothering. The action is separate from the role and mothering ourselves, a life’s work 💕
When I first started reading tarot cards I pulled the Hermit every single time I touched the deck. Truly. I had recently ended a relationship, moved, gotten a new job, chopped my hair off, gotten a cat, thrown myself headfirst onto dating apps and it felt so OBVIOUS that the pre-first-date pulls I did for myself led with this guy. I would say out loud “this fucking guy AGAIN??” I didn’t want to be alone, didn’t want to turn inward, didn’t want to go on a journey of self discovery I wanted to be LOVED and HELD and warm not snowy and alone.
Anyways I eventually started listening to him and it turns out that was the year I learned who I was. Now when he pops up it’s like an old friend who brings comfort and reassurance. You can do it. You always have.
Hahaha “this fucking guy AGAIN?” made me laugh. I used to have a hard time relating to the Gandalf-esque appearance of the Hermit, but now it’s one of my favorite cards. (Although I can probably say that about most cards, but still.) It’s like you said, it doesn’t always feel warm or fun or comforting in the moment, but in hindsight it ushers in some of the loveliest gifts. I’m glad it now brings you comfort.
Caroline, reading this was like a whiff of ammonia, a wake up call in many respects (as I consider *both* parental relationships because the childhood wounds are so intertwined). The coalition feels real though. Including this week’s card, thick with synchronicity. I’d joined Foster for a writers cohort last month but due to personal struggles, couldn’t muster up a sentence. So blocked, so frustrated, so I put it down. The last day, I read everyone’s pieces and felt life return to my imagination. I wrote/illustrated the next card in my series, which just so happened to be The Hermit, and published it this weekend. So reading your description here was like a kind of mothering. An encouraging reminder that it’s ok to not always be in sync with the collective. It’s ok to pull back, to put away, to pause. Thanks for being the lantern I needed this morning. I hope the soft light here guides you through this next week in particular, but well beyond that too.
Mother’s Day *season* is so hard when you’re grieving. I’m sorry. I lost my mom 3 1/2 years ago. The pain becomes less acute over time… wishing you strength and comfort, and a sense of peace as you delete all of those insensitive capitalist promotional emails. (I’ve gotten some doozies too.) Thank you for another beautiful essay. ❤️
You are in your year of painful “firsts.” And for that I send love. And warmth. In the middle of this tender time you are putting a gentle arm around yourself and taking care of you. Keep going. And thank you for sharing. You are a beacon of light to us all but most importantly to yourself.
I lost my mom six months ago (she was my best friend) and I don't have children so Mother's Day is not for me. The deluge of messages is overwhelming. I just want to hide until it's over. I've deleted every message that has anything to do with Mother's Day except this one. All of this is to say, thank you for this post. It made me feel seen and eased my grieving heart.
Thank you, Suzan. I’m so sorry for your loss and understand the impulse to hide. And am honored to have brought you any slice of comfort. Sending you warm thoughts in the coming days.
Caroline, I almost didn’t read this today due to my grieving heart. Glad I did- 7 months into this year of firsts without my mom is not easy! I think of you often knowing we are in this year of first together- sending you love ❤️
Helen, I thought of you while I was writing this. (As I do, often.) As terrible as it is to know someone else is grieving, I am comforted that we are in it together. Sending lots of love your way.
I am 73. My mother died 10 years ago, and I miss her. I have some hard realities in my life right now. I try to take care of myself, but I never considered that I missed being mothered, but of course I do. So now I know that I can mother myself. What a wonderful idea. Thank you Caroline.
"What I bump on is the question of performing instead of relating." Yes!
It all makes me cringe because there is no Mother's Day card or gift guide that represents my relationship with my mother. Unless there was one that said, "Happy Mother's Day to the first suspect on a Dateline episode about my death due to the 9-1-1 call reporting concern for the dog but forgetting to mention her own daughter."
I hope you make it through this week peacefully. And maybe a lil treat for the mother you are to yourself, your dog, your friends, and all of us. <3
Not all mothering is Empress, lots of it is Hermit, and sometimes it's bra-fitting ladies. ❤️
What a beautiful, heartfelt piece. You say you're not convening with "little Caroline," but every essay you write that helps you get a deeper understanding of yourself is doing just that. I, too, feel squeamish at the thought of chatting to my own inner child (partly because I do find myself thinking 'there's not really an inner child, just scars from childhood that need to be poked to heal, must we make that grim reality so twee') but I continue to show up for myself in ways my own mother didn't, and I can feel that work being done without ever having to actually name it. It's messy and it's raw and it's awful some days, but it's worthwhile, both (in my case) for my children and (in all of our cases) for ourselves.
I'm estranged from my mother currently, so I didn't send a card this year. In previous years I have been the person browsing all of the cards though - not because I was looking for the right message as much as they all had the wrong one. I never wanted to send my mum a card that becried her as my best friend or the best mum in the world or, heaven forbid, the ones that shout "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT YOU!" because that wasn't my experience - I knew exactly what I'd do without her because she was so absent. A message calling her a great mum felt like a message that her hurtful behaviour was OK. It's funny that we see someone browsing such cards and think it's because they want to convey gratitude, when in my case it was the opposite - I begrudged the feeling that I had to acknowledge that she was my mother at all
Thank you for this, it was touching and really resonated. I hope this week goes well for you, and that you do something really really great for yourself in the name of mothering current Caroline, if not the little one inside. (Although maybe an ice cream or something for her would go down well, too?)
Caroline, I love the phrase Coalition of Mothers.
My mother and my wife never liked any Hallmark holidays, including Mother's day. Forced, thus false, from their POV. So, Mother's Day doesn't affect me. My birthday is when I miss my mother the most.
That is an unbelievably cute picture of you. It made me smile.
Sending you some comfort and peace this month, Caroline. My husband lost his mother just 3 weeks ago after a long battle with cancer. And 4 days before her passing, I had my first ever positive pregnancy test. I'm now at 7.5 weeks, and it's still too early to tell anyone yet. To say that Mother's Day feels very strange this year is a HUGE understatement. Thank you, as always, for your vulnerability and relatable writing. I'm going to share this with him tonight.
Thank you, Audra, and thank you for sharing. Isn’t it so strange and also beautiful how life carries on? Wishing you and your husband all the best, this week and in the coming months. 💛
Thinking of my mother in law who never got to meet my son. Thinking of my wife who never got to introduce her mother to him as well. Thinking of how to hold space for her on this upcoming Mother’s Day and also hold space for her mourning her own. Thank you for these words.
Five years since I lost my mother and this time of the year is always tough. I do look around wistfully at those who still get to brunch with theirs. But as you wrote: "anyone who grieves or breathes is well aware, a lot of days are difficult. Some without warning. Some without reason."
At least some companies politely ask if I would prefer to opt out of the Mothers Day emails. Well, thank you...
Each year the pain gets a little less sharp and intense. But then part of me feels guilty that it does...
But you're right...the "mothering" that comes from other sources (like your written word 😊) makes it easier
Thank you for this one!
So glad you wrote and shared this, Caroline. Knowing you’ll say it exactly as it is. Young Caroline is lucky to have you because of that.
Complicated relationship with my mother and my own role as a mother, but I feel you so deeply on mothering. The action is separate from the role and mothering ourselves, a life’s work 💕
Beautiful, my friend. And, dang, I want to hang out with Little Caroline. Look at that look she's giving us! ❤️
When I first started reading tarot cards I pulled the Hermit every single time I touched the deck. Truly. I had recently ended a relationship, moved, gotten a new job, chopped my hair off, gotten a cat, thrown myself headfirst onto dating apps and it felt so OBVIOUS that the pre-first-date pulls I did for myself led with this guy. I would say out loud “this fucking guy AGAIN??” I didn’t want to be alone, didn’t want to turn inward, didn’t want to go on a journey of self discovery I wanted to be LOVED and HELD and warm not snowy and alone.
Anyways I eventually started listening to him and it turns out that was the year I learned who I was. Now when he pops up it’s like an old friend who brings comfort and reassurance. You can do it. You always have.
Hope he brings you comfort too <3
Hahaha “this fucking guy AGAIN?” made me laugh. I used to have a hard time relating to the Gandalf-esque appearance of the Hermit, but now it’s one of my favorite cards. (Although I can probably say that about most cards, but still.) It’s like you said, it doesn’t always feel warm or fun or comforting in the moment, but in hindsight it ushers in some of the loveliest gifts. I’m glad it now brings you comfort.
Caroline, reading this was like a whiff of ammonia, a wake up call in many respects (as I consider *both* parental relationships because the childhood wounds are so intertwined). The coalition feels real though. Including this week’s card, thick with synchronicity. I’d joined Foster for a writers cohort last month but due to personal struggles, couldn’t muster up a sentence. So blocked, so frustrated, so I put it down. The last day, I read everyone’s pieces and felt life return to my imagination. I wrote/illustrated the next card in my series, which just so happened to be The Hermit, and published it this weekend. So reading your description here was like a kind of mothering. An encouraging reminder that it’s ok to not always be in sync with the collective. It’s ok to pull back, to put away, to pause. Thanks for being the lantern I needed this morning. I hope the soft light here guides you through this next week in particular, but well beyond that too.
Mother’s Day *season* is so hard when you’re grieving. I’m sorry. I lost my mom 3 1/2 years ago. The pain becomes less acute over time… wishing you strength and comfort, and a sense of peace as you delete all of those insensitive capitalist promotional emails. (I’ve gotten some doozies too.) Thank you for another beautiful essay. ❤️
Thank you so much, Patti. As always, I appreciate you. ❤️
You are in your year of painful “firsts.” And for that I send love. And warmth. In the middle of this tender time you are putting a gentle arm around yourself and taking care of you. Keep going. And thank you for sharing. You are a beacon of light to us all but most importantly to yourself.