Once again, so lovely and moving. I’ll trade you a share: as a Junior in high school I became good friends with a boy in my gym class. He asked me to homecoming. Then the next weekend after the dance we were hanging out and his best friend started flirting. I flirted back and we held hands. And I feel so awful about that still, 20+ years later (I’m not overcome with guilt, but I still think poorly of myself in that moment, is what I mean). It ruined my friendship with the gym boy, who apparently had stronger feelings for me than I realized. I kept talking to him, but he ignored me for the rest of the year. Frankly I don’t blame him and I’m actually glad he made up with his best friend rather than me, if he could only manage to forgive one of us. Still can’t believe I did that. I’d never really gotten meaningful attention from a boy, never mind two, and oh but did I blow it. I certainly identify with Devi in that regard (Devi from Never Have I Ever, though my situation was far less dramatic). I think cruelty is the very worst thing, and now upon reflection the things in my past I have regrets about were small moments of cruelty toward someone else. Kindness is the way.
Erin, Thank you for sharing this story! It brought back a similar memory from that time in my life where I committed that worst offense — flirting back to a guy my best friend had a crush on, even though I didn't particularly like him. Of course, she found out about it and we were never the same. I wish I could say that's the only instance where I acted poorly, but no... the ensuing years are also filled with instances where I (unintentionally, but carelessly) hurt people, often because I couldn't bring myself to be direct enough to just tell someone how I felt. Instead, my misguided attempts at protecting people's feelings led to miscommunications and emotional turmoil that could've been prevented.
I once read something (I wish I could remember where!) that said one's formative years are meant for doing exactly what you describe — testing boundaries, making mistakes, and inevitably hurting each other in the process. It's how we learn, and without it, we wouldn't evolve into adults who hopefully know (and act) better. It really eased my mind, not only about the people I may have hurt, but about my role in the relationships where someone hurt me! (Which I also found a way to blame on myself. "I was too naïve, I should've had a better comeback..." etc.) I'm sure Jasmine is right, in that you are carrying shame for something your gym friend has likely gotten over and forgiven you for. But I think an apology, even a symbolic one, sounds like an emotionally freeing act. (Or maybe, by some strange coincidence, he'll stumble across this comment thread and discover how you feel!)
Erin—Love triangle! I always thought that trope was make-believe, but you’re proof it’s not, albeit it doesn’t sound like it actually feels good. My senior year, I was taken to prom by a boy from another school. We met through a mutual friend and had only gone on a couple dates prior. I knew no one at his school or in the prom group and he was SO distant and cold and sorta mean the entire night. I had no idea why or if I had done something wrong. We ran in the same friend group throughout college, but that night was never mentioned. Something like 7yrs later from senior prom we were at the same wedding. I was already married, he was with the girl he’d marry, but neither of our partners could make it. After dinner, he came up to my table and asked me to dance and on the dance floor he apologized for senior prom and being such an ass that night! It was the kindest apology and I felt very seen. But, I didn’t need that apology, he did. Because while I had gotten over it a long time ago, he had been carrying that shame. I’m telling you this cause it’s never too late to apologize or set things straight. Sometimes we don’t get that person to person chance for whatever reason, but even writing that apology email and not sending it or crafting a letter that you burn, sometimes the ritual can be really healing for everybody. We are not defined by our worst moments.
Such a lovely story. Thanks for sharing it. If I ever cross paths with that guy again, I'll apologize. I'm so glad you got over being treated poorly, but it was nice for someone to acknowledge it, right?
Oh damn this hit me hard. i’m tired of pretending so often. i’ve made believe all my life. different circles, different me’s. maybe this is why people say gemini’s are a fickle bunch? or maybe i’m growing up? understanding that life is too short to censor myself often. i don’t keep my heart on my sleeve like most of my friends do but i’m gradually learning to open up more. it’s a battle and a tough one at that. but i agree with you, other peoples vulnerabilities online have allowed me to gain more perspective on how i see myself in general. it’s tough and it’s a constant struggle but reading this today made me realize i’m not the only one. so thank you.
Over the last few years I've observed a straight line between being raised basically on a diet of shame as a kid (with the type of parents who banned me from being in the Christmas parade when I was four because I cried after I lost a game at a friend's birthday party) and my inability as an adult to let go of or heal from difficult experiences in my past.
I still find it so embarrassing and frustrating that difficult things that happened years ago loom large in my mind, for example, a horrible relationship that ended over 10 years ago when I was a teenager (literally I woke up from a dream this morning that I was trapped under water and my ex was standing above me fully able to pull me out but just stared at me and chose not to). But I have felt so much relief/release in being able to even just share small stories and memories of that relationship with close friends after years of never, ever saying a word about it. There's still an insistent voice in my head telling me that opening up or revealing my emotions is wrong, but the more I ignore it the quieter it gets.
Thank you for sharing, Hayley. I very much understand how you feel. (All of it, including the dream visits from long-ago characters.) I don't come from an "open book" family, and while I completely respect the desire for privacy, it has always made me feel like opening up is wrong. But on the flip side, there are many occasions where sharing feels healthier for me. It sounds like you have a very thoughtful, reflective understanding of yourself. And I'm glad to hear that the voice gets quieter the more you open up. Keep going! I, for one, am very happy to listen.
I lol'd at "Sometimes, they’ll wrap up a story with an apology for oversharing, as though they didn’t just give me a wonderful gift." because how much I relate and love this. Absolutely an ADHD trait and a fun quality in general. Life is too short not to overshare the f out of everything ❤
And I laughed at your comment because it describes me to a T. I used to be so worried about oversharing that I erred on the side of not speaking... and then I realized, absolutely no one likes that better! ❤️ Thanks, Helena
1. Newfangled! Did you ever read Tiffky Doofky by William Steig? It’s the first place I heard that word.
2. Hemorrhoids😂 Did it end there?
3. On Friday, at school drop off, there was this 5th grader with both his parents. He was refusing to cross the street to school and they were losing it. The dad was raging at him like super rage, the mom was yelling too. It was toward the tail end so not many of us were left, but still. It was a very public break down. I averted my gaze and walked past. Some of the kid’s friends came up and he was forced to cross with them. The parents turned home and immediately started to argue loudly with the other. I felt so sad for them—we’ve all been them in one form or another. I’VE played every role. I do/did a variation on your practice and sent love to the boy and love to his parents. But I have not been able to stop thinking about it and what we’re meant to do as witness(and artists). I’d imagine living in the city you witness the full spectrum of humanness and also take in so much. And more, what if every interaction we experience IS truly feedback?
1. Yes! I'd forgotten about that one, but your mention of it brought back a flood of memories of sitting on the scratchy carpet of the library floor for story hour, which was most welcome.
2. Nerves plus alcohol can make people say some pretty strange things. 🤷🏻♀️
3. Oh, I feel for that child, and for that family. And you're wise to recognize playing every role in that dynamic. (Haven't we all?) I recently witnessed a scene on the sidewalk where someone was horribly, unnecessarily raging at their dog. They were across the street, on the other side of traffic, and I don't know what I would have done even if I had been closer, but it has haunted me ever since. (And then, of course, one can extend your questions to all the scenes we see playing out on screens across our lives.) I do think the situations we don't confront in our lives have a way of showing up in art. I certainly don't have the answers, but it's giving me a lot to think about.
Thank you for this, Caroline. I've been following your writing since you joined Cup of Jo. I love the way you write and your craft is an inspiration to me as I either sort through my own life or through my attempts at writing.
Earlier yesterday I posted the most vulnerable, dark and strange story I have ever posted and I was anxious about it being out there all day. Would I lose friends or career opportunities if I started sharing?
Laura, thanks so much for sharing your post. It's beautiful and important and I'm sure there are many people — me included — that can relate to it. As someone who does not have a daughter, but is one, I'd agree that sharing the full breadth of your humanity with your child is a gift. No matter how old we are, we can expect to encounter some version of tears and ice cream, on alternating pages, or sometimes even at the same time.
Thank you for the kind words, and for being here. I deeply appreciate it.
Once again, so lovely and moving. I’ll trade you a share: as a Junior in high school I became good friends with a boy in my gym class. He asked me to homecoming. Then the next weekend after the dance we were hanging out and his best friend started flirting. I flirted back and we held hands. And I feel so awful about that still, 20+ years later (I’m not overcome with guilt, but I still think poorly of myself in that moment, is what I mean). It ruined my friendship with the gym boy, who apparently had stronger feelings for me than I realized. I kept talking to him, but he ignored me for the rest of the year. Frankly I don’t blame him and I’m actually glad he made up with his best friend rather than me, if he could only manage to forgive one of us. Still can’t believe I did that. I’d never really gotten meaningful attention from a boy, never mind two, and oh but did I blow it. I certainly identify with Devi in that regard (Devi from Never Have I Ever, though my situation was far less dramatic). I think cruelty is the very worst thing, and now upon reflection the things in my past I have regrets about were small moments of cruelty toward someone else. Kindness is the way.
Erin, Thank you for sharing this story! It brought back a similar memory from that time in my life where I committed that worst offense — flirting back to a guy my best friend had a crush on, even though I didn't particularly like him. Of course, she found out about it and we were never the same. I wish I could say that's the only instance where I acted poorly, but no... the ensuing years are also filled with instances where I (unintentionally, but carelessly) hurt people, often because I couldn't bring myself to be direct enough to just tell someone how I felt. Instead, my misguided attempts at protecting people's feelings led to miscommunications and emotional turmoil that could've been prevented.
I once read something (I wish I could remember where!) that said one's formative years are meant for doing exactly what you describe — testing boundaries, making mistakes, and inevitably hurting each other in the process. It's how we learn, and without it, we wouldn't evolve into adults who hopefully know (and act) better. It really eased my mind, not only about the people I may have hurt, but about my role in the relationships where someone hurt me! (Which I also found a way to blame on myself. "I was too naïve, I should've had a better comeback..." etc.) I'm sure Jasmine is right, in that you are carrying shame for something your gym friend has likely gotten over and forgiven you for. But I think an apology, even a symbolic one, sounds like an emotionally freeing act. (Or maybe, by some strange coincidence, he'll stumble across this comment thread and discover how you feel!)
Erin—Love triangle! I always thought that trope was make-believe, but you’re proof it’s not, albeit it doesn’t sound like it actually feels good. My senior year, I was taken to prom by a boy from another school. We met through a mutual friend and had only gone on a couple dates prior. I knew no one at his school or in the prom group and he was SO distant and cold and sorta mean the entire night. I had no idea why or if I had done something wrong. We ran in the same friend group throughout college, but that night was never mentioned. Something like 7yrs later from senior prom we were at the same wedding. I was already married, he was with the girl he’d marry, but neither of our partners could make it. After dinner, he came up to my table and asked me to dance and on the dance floor he apologized for senior prom and being such an ass that night! It was the kindest apology and I felt very seen. But, I didn’t need that apology, he did. Because while I had gotten over it a long time ago, he had been carrying that shame. I’m telling you this cause it’s never too late to apologize or set things straight. Sometimes we don’t get that person to person chance for whatever reason, but even writing that apology email and not sending it or crafting a letter that you burn, sometimes the ritual can be really healing for everybody. We are not defined by our worst moments.
Such a lovely story. Thanks for sharing it. If I ever cross paths with that guy again, I'll apologize. I'm so glad you got over being treated poorly, but it was nice for someone to acknowledge it, right?
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Thank you so much for this message, and for subscribing! I appreciate it more than I can say.
Oh damn this hit me hard. i’m tired of pretending so often. i’ve made believe all my life. different circles, different me’s. maybe this is why people say gemini’s are a fickle bunch? or maybe i’m growing up? understanding that life is too short to censor myself often. i don’t keep my heart on my sleeve like most of my friends do but i’m gradually learning to open up more. it’s a battle and a tough one at that. but i agree with you, other peoples vulnerabilities online have allowed me to gain more perspective on how i see myself in general. it’s tough and it’s a constant struggle but reading this today made me realize i’m not the only one. so thank you.
A gorgeous piece Caroline, as always.
Over the last few years I've observed a straight line between being raised basically on a diet of shame as a kid (with the type of parents who banned me from being in the Christmas parade when I was four because I cried after I lost a game at a friend's birthday party) and my inability as an adult to let go of or heal from difficult experiences in my past.
I still find it so embarrassing and frustrating that difficult things that happened years ago loom large in my mind, for example, a horrible relationship that ended over 10 years ago when I was a teenager (literally I woke up from a dream this morning that I was trapped under water and my ex was standing above me fully able to pull me out but just stared at me and chose not to). But I have felt so much relief/release in being able to even just share small stories and memories of that relationship with close friends after years of never, ever saying a word about it. There's still an insistent voice in my head telling me that opening up or revealing my emotions is wrong, but the more I ignore it the quieter it gets.
Thank you for sharing, Hayley. I very much understand how you feel. (All of it, including the dream visits from long-ago characters.) I don't come from an "open book" family, and while I completely respect the desire for privacy, it has always made me feel like opening up is wrong. But on the flip side, there are many occasions where sharing feels healthier for me. It sounds like you have a very thoughtful, reflective understanding of yourself. And I'm glad to hear that the voice gets quieter the more you open up. Keep going! I, for one, am very happy to listen.
I lol'd at "Sometimes, they’ll wrap up a story with an apology for oversharing, as though they didn’t just give me a wonderful gift." because how much I relate and love this. Absolutely an ADHD trait and a fun quality in general. Life is too short not to overshare the f out of everything ❤
And I laughed at your comment because it describes me to a T. I used to be so worried about oversharing that I erred on the side of not speaking... and then I realized, absolutely no one likes that better! ❤️ Thanks, Helena
1. Newfangled! Did you ever read Tiffky Doofky by William Steig? It’s the first place I heard that word.
2. Hemorrhoids😂 Did it end there?
3. On Friday, at school drop off, there was this 5th grader with both his parents. He was refusing to cross the street to school and they were losing it. The dad was raging at him like super rage, the mom was yelling too. It was toward the tail end so not many of us were left, but still. It was a very public break down. I averted my gaze and walked past. Some of the kid’s friends came up and he was forced to cross with them. The parents turned home and immediately started to argue loudly with the other. I felt so sad for them—we’ve all been them in one form or another. I’VE played every role. I do/did a variation on your practice and sent love to the boy and love to his parents. But I have not been able to stop thinking about it and what we’re meant to do as witness(and artists). I’d imagine living in the city you witness the full spectrum of humanness and also take in so much. And more, what if every interaction we experience IS truly feedback?
1. Yes! I'd forgotten about that one, but your mention of it brought back a flood of memories of sitting on the scratchy carpet of the library floor for story hour, which was most welcome.
2. Nerves plus alcohol can make people say some pretty strange things. 🤷🏻♀️
3. Oh, I feel for that child, and for that family. And you're wise to recognize playing every role in that dynamic. (Haven't we all?) I recently witnessed a scene on the sidewalk where someone was horribly, unnecessarily raging at their dog. They were across the street, on the other side of traffic, and I don't know what I would have done even if I had been closer, but it has haunted me ever since. (And then, of course, one can extend your questions to all the scenes we see playing out on screens across our lives.) I do think the situations we don't confront in our lives have a way of showing up in art. I certainly don't have the answers, but it's giving me a lot to think about.
Thank you for this, Caroline. I've been following your writing since you joined Cup of Jo. I love the way you write and your craft is an inspiration to me as I either sort through my own life or through my attempts at writing.
Earlier yesterday I posted the most vulnerable, dark and strange story I have ever posted and I was anxious about it being out there all day. Would I lose friends or career opportunities if I started sharing?
Your post made me less anxious about it. https://laurawarner.substack.com/p/my-daughter-saw-me-crying?s=w
Laura, thanks so much for sharing your post. It's beautiful and important and I'm sure there are many people — me included — that can relate to it. As someone who does not have a daughter, but is one, I'd agree that sharing the full breadth of your humanity with your child is a gift. No matter how old we are, we can expect to encounter some version of tears and ice cream, on alternating pages, or sometimes even at the same time.
Thank you for the kind words, and for being here. I deeply appreciate it.