What a beautiful tribute to New York City. I had a similar relationship with London, where I couldn't imagine ever wanting to leave the jaded magic of urban life. I did eventually though. Older me started to value space and quiet and nature and ocean views. My old lover still occupies a big place in my heart though 😊
So much of this resonated, ghosts of things and people experienced and not experienced, every time you land you feel like you’ve won the lottery. This is how I feel about the San Francisco Bay Area. Also the whisper of things not having to be so hard. I think you’ve inspired me to write a love letter to the place I’m in love with. Thank you! Also this, “Was it the myriad things I’ve witnessed and shall not mention here (except to say one incident involved a flasher and a hot dog and a truly alarming amount of mustard, and if you’d like to put that puzzle together, go forth)?” Such a great piece of writing.
Thank you so much, Jocelyn. I love how these same (complicated) feelings of love for a place transcend people and cities. And I especially love that this inspired you to write about San Francisco! Please keep me posted if you do.
The places we love get into our bones, into our soul, don't they? They take on meaning beyond the tangible, in our memories, like you said and in our hopes for what might be. I'll keep you in the loop when I explore this more! xo
I really enjoyed this and it resonates so deeply with me. I spent seven years in New York and truly believed I’d never leave. Then I started having that same thought – maybe it doesn’t have to be this difficult? But something magical would happen - the light would fall in just the right way on the corner of 72nd and Amsterdam, or I’d take an early morning stroll through Central Park, and I’d be reeled back in. When I did leave I completely lost my identity. It was so wrapped up in being a tough, fast-walking New Yorker. And I missed the constant high voltage current of possibility. I still miss it every day, but as you say, I miss my New York - which isn’t there anymore. Thank you for capturing all the complicated feelings that go into loving and leaving New York so beautifully! X
Thank you. This is such a gorgeous way of putting it. I know the feeling well… it’s like I keep going to break up with New York but then I see its face and am reminded of why I fell in love in the first place! I am grateful I got to experience “my” New York, and you yours. x
I love your love for the city. It’s beautiful and makes me grateful to live here when I have not always been. Thank you. 🥹
I feel you on the hard. I swore to myself I would never live in NYC again after living here in my 20’s but then I fell madly in love with a surfer from Rockaway and now here I am again. If we didn’t make a home in Rockaway, I don’t know if I could do it. I’ve always been a Paris and London woman but I have to say…there is something so damn magical about NYC. Maybe it’s living by the sea and having Manhattan minutes away that makes it feel so eerie and wonderful. It doesn’t seem like those two things should exist so close together. My love affair with the city has been so up and down. Loved it, then was done with it. In falling madly in love with my partner, I’ve fallen madly in love with NYC again. She truly is hard to quit. 💗
Ah yes. It's funny, as much as I can't picture myself leaving NYC, I also have trouble imagining losing proximity to the ocean! Definitely doesn't make it easy when choosing a place to live. The city and the sea... you have the best of both worlds! I always love seeing your beach photos. It's such a special kind of magic.
As a lifelong New Yorker, I always appreciate an authentic and nuanced love letter to the city, nuance being a euphemism for what crawled over your face!
Every time I'm in NYC, I find money, hear The Gypsy Kings and see someone I know (sometimes from LA). That's the form of luck New York brings me. But, even the last time I went (too long ago), it wasn't "my" New York. (I'm old enough to remember when a $5 cab ride would get you just about anywhere, and everywhere for $10, including tip.) I'm so excited for where you will land and what will transpire. It's when you make the choice (rather than being forced into it) that things really blossom. xo
I love every word of this. The ongoing luck of your visits here and your memories of cab fare of yore. And right?? It’s changed so much in the past few years alone! Every time I go outside I’m like, When did a massive Target spring up here?? I’ll often try to imagine what I’d think if it were my first time visiting, but I don’t know how I’d feel. In some way, it will always be “my” New York.
This about your New York which comes alive as the partner is a long, satisfying relationship. It was, however, your insight about being drawn to the difficult, the challenging, the not-easy way that made me sit up. For years my grandmother asked me why I had to do things the difficult way. My mother,a striver herself, would occasionally echo her. The path of least resistance has never glittered for me. I loved reading this.
Thank you so much, Elizabeth. It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently… and I don’t have any easy answers. As much as ease can be tempting (and in some cases healthier) there is something so satisfying about a challenge. Especially one that glitters.
I can relate to so much of this. I moved to London in my early 20s and I fell completely in love with it. London had always been my goal as that's the only place in England people get to do any real writing (or so I believed) and it was such a magical, random place. Friends came and went at warp speed, everything around me changed all the time, it was like a rollercoaster and I didn't want to get off it until one day I did... And so I moved to the north of England, thinking I'd miss London, but I've barely looked (or been) back. I was so enriched by my experience of being there, but life went on when I left, and it's still full of magic
Ps same with the roach, only for me it was a mouse sat on top of my head. I am haunted.
I thought a roach was bad. A mouse! I would simply never recover. I am so sorry. One thing I've always appreciate about London living vs New York City (where I'm from) is how I really don't ever encounter mice. Please don't tell this mouse-on-head situation happened in London?!
Ohhh yes it did, haha. I lived in an ancient house share in south London, it wasn't well maintained and we often had mice. I was woken one night by the feeling that something was moving in my hair - put my hand to my head and ended up with a handful of mouse. I cried.
This was around 8 years ago though, maybe all of the mice have left London for the countryside too? (Sometimes denial is the answer)
Oh my goodness. A handful of mouse! This made me laugh and gasp in equal measure. And yes…sometimes denial really is the answer! At least, when it comes to the quirks of city life.
it is a rare thing to write in a way that makes a place so real - something you can not only see it your mind's eye, but taste, and feel and smell - like Narnia, the Big Woods or Charlotte's barn. that's what you did here for me on a night when i needed to get away for a while - thank you- xxx i hope your decision comes with growing ease.
Thank you so much, Megan. This is beautiful, and the highest compliment. I’m touched (and honored!) that my words provided that for you. Thanks for the well wishes… I will certainly keep you posted!
Maybe it doesn't have to be so hard, maybe we can look at the sun and trust it will rise. That childlike perspective to just know and trust, helps us leap! Loved this essay, Caroline. Both for the pull and tug of how to choose a place, how home pulls us but perhaps there is more than one home, how ghosts can become our friends, how the Sun card encourages us to "lean into adaptability. To hold space for wonder and keep an open mind for what will be." Thank you.
You know when you read something and you’re left in tears because the author GETS IT and, even though this isn’t about you, somehow this writer is able to tell a bit of your own story better than you ever have?
I lived there for only two years, but NYC saw me through so much: a cross-country move (I also hated it at first), grad school, a massive breakup, living by myself for the first time. It saved me, and changed me forever. It will always hold a place in my heart. ❤️
Thank you for writing this. I’m so glad I found it today.
Thank you, Maria. That means more than you know. There is nothing like living alone for the first time in NYC. (Of course, I’ve never lived alone for the first time anywhere else, but you know what I mean. It’s a very specific feeling, no matter the year or street or neighborhood.) I’m so happy to hear this resonated with you. ❤️
I was already thinking, "This is one of my favorite Caroline essays" over and again before I made an appearance! I love this. Every sentence. Every image. Every emotion. It's all perfect. And somehow by capturing your New York, you captured mine, too! Haha. Beautiful!!! And loved the audio!
Thank you, friend. Both you and my cousin shared that same sentiment over the course of the same week, and it was so wise and true and helpful. And I'm so glad you enjoyed the audio! It's fun to put together. (Even when I have to re-record when the dog makes barking cameos.)
Oh, I'm glad!! It's a big decision to leave, if you go that route. The second I came out the other side of the Holland Tunnel with all my belongings and my two cats, I wept and wept and wept. But I knew it was the right thing for me in that time in my life. And, yes, the audios are fun. I did those for awhile (no music!) and, well, I guess forgot to keep doing them. Haha. Welcome to my brain! I hope you don't forget to do more!!
What a beautiful tribute to New York City. I had a similar relationship with London, where I couldn't imagine ever wanting to leave the jaded magic of urban life. I did eventually though. Older me started to value space and quiet and nature and ocean views. My old lover still occupies a big place in my heart though 😊
Thank you. I still can't imagine New York in the rearview window... and yet...
I so appreciate hearing from those who've made the change!
So much of this resonated, ghosts of things and people experienced and not experienced, every time you land you feel like you’ve won the lottery. This is how I feel about the San Francisco Bay Area. Also the whisper of things not having to be so hard. I think you’ve inspired me to write a love letter to the place I’m in love with. Thank you! Also this, “Was it the myriad things I’ve witnessed and shall not mention here (except to say one incident involved a flasher and a hot dog and a truly alarming amount of mustard, and if you’d like to put that puzzle together, go forth)?” Such a great piece of writing.
Thank you so much, Jocelyn. I love how these same (complicated) feelings of love for a place transcend people and cities. And I especially love that this inspired you to write about San Francisco! Please keep me posted if you do.
The places we love get into our bones, into our soul, don't they? They take on meaning beyond the tangible, in our memories, like you said and in our hopes for what might be. I'll keep you in the loop when I explore this more! xo
They do! They weave themselves into the fabric of our nature. (And I’d like to think we leave our impression, too.) x
yes! ❤️✨
I really enjoyed this and it resonates so deeply with me. I spent seven years in New York and truly believed I’d never leave. Then I started having that same thought – maybe it doesn’t have to be this difficult? But something magical would happen - the light would fall in just the right way on the corner of 72nd and Amsterdam, or I’d take an early morning stroll through Central Park, and I’d be reeled back in. When I did leave I completely lost my identity. It was so wrapped up in being a tough, fast-walking New Yorker. And I missed the constant high voltage current of possibility. I still miss it every day, but as you say, I miss my New York - which isn’t there anymore. Thank you for capturing all the complicated feelings that go into loving and leaving New York so beautifully! X
Thank you. This is such a gorgeous way of putting it. I know the feeling well… it’s like I keep going to break up with New York but then I see its face and am reminded of why I fell in love in the first place! I am grateful I got to experience “my” New York, and you yours. x
I love your love for the city. It’s beautiful and makes me grateful to live here when I have not always been. Thank you. 🥹
I feel you on the hard. I swore to myself I would never live in NYC again after living here in my 20’s but then I fell madly in love with a surfer from Rockaway and now here I am again. If we didn’t make a home in Rockaway, I don’t know if I could do it. I’ve always been a Paris and London woman but I have to say…there is something so damn magical about NYC. Maybe it’s living by the sea and having Manhattan minutes away that makes it feel so eerie and wonderful. It doesn’t seem like those two things should exist so close together. My love affair with the city has been so up and down. Loved it, then was done with it. In falling madly in love with my partner, I’ve fallen madly in love with NYC again. She truly is hard to quit. 💗
Ah yes. It's funny, as much as I can't picture myself leaving NYC, I also have trouble imagining losing proximity to the ocean! Definitely doesn't make it easy when choosing a place to live. The city and the sea... you have the best of both worlds! I always love seeing your beach photos. It's such a special kind of magic.
As a lifelong New Yorker, I always appreciate an authentic and nuanced love letter to the city, nuance being a euphemism for what crawled over your face!
Hahaha, that particular nuance will haunt me forever!
Caroline , so wonderful to hear your voice! Felt like a call from a friend discussing life. Have yourself a wonderful week as well💕
Thank you so much, Helen. Grateful for you.
Every time I'm in NYC, I find money, hear The Gypsy Kings and see someone I know (sometimes from LA). That's the form of luck New York brings me. But, even the last time I went (too long ago), it wasn't "my" New York. (I'm old enough to remember when a $5 cab ride would get you just about anywhere, and everywhere for $10, including tip.) I'm so excited for where you will land and what will transpire. It's when you make the choice (rather than being forced into it) that things really blossom. xo
I love every word of this. The ongoing luck of your visits here and your memories of cab fare of yore. And right?? It’s changed so much in the past few years alone! Every time I go outside I’m like, When did a massive Target spring up here?? I’ll often try to imagine what I’d think if it were my first time visiting, but I don’t know how I’d feel. In some way, it will always be “my” New York.
It really will. xo
This about your New York which comes alive as the partner is a long, satisfying relationship. It was, however, your insight about being drawn to the difficult, the challenging, the not-easy way that made me sit up. For years my grandmother asked me why I had to do things the difficult way. My mother,a striver herself, would occasionally echo her. The path of least resistance has never glittered for me. I loved reading this.
Thank you so much, Elizabeth. It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently… and I don’t have any easy answers. As much as ease can be tempting (and in some cases healthier) there is something so satisfying about a challenge. Especially one that glitters.
I can relate to so much of this. I moved to London in my early 20s and I fell completely in love with it. London had always been my goal as that's the only place in England people get to do any real writing (or so I believed) and it was such a magical, random place. Friends came and went at warp speed, everything around me changed all the time, it was like a rollercoaster and I didn't want to get off it until one day I did... And so I moved to the north of England, thinking I'd miss London, but I've barely looked (or been) back. I was so enriched by my experience of being there, but life went on when I left, and it's still full of magic
Ps same with the roach, only for me it was a mouse sat on top of my head. I am haunted.
I thought a roach was bad. A mouse! I would simply never recover. I am so sorry. One thing I've always appreciate about London living vs New York City (where I'm from) is how I really don't ever encounter mice. Please don't tell this mouse-on-head situation happened in London?!
Ohhh yes it did, haha. I lived in an ancient house share in south London, it wasn't well maintained and we often had mice. I was woken one night by the feeling that something was moving in my hair - put my hand to my head and ended up with a handful of mouse. I cried.
This was around 8 years ago though, maybe all of the mice have left London for the countryside too? (Sometimes denial is the answer)
Oh my goodness. A handful of mouse! This made me laugh and gasp in equal measure. And yes…sometimes denial really is the answer! At least, when it comes to the quirks of city life.
it is a rare thing to write in a way that makes a place so real - something you can not only see it your mind's eye, but taste, and feel and smell - like Narnia, the Big Woods or Charlotte's barn. that's what you did here for me on a night when i needed to get away for a while - thank you- xxx i hope your decision comes with growing ease.
Thank you so much, Megan. This is beautiful, and the highest compliment. I’m touched (and honored!) that my words provided that for you. Thanks for the well wishes… I will certainly keep you posted!
Maybe it doesn't have to be so hard, maybe we can look at the sun and trust it will rise. That childlike perspective to just know and trust, helps us leap! Loved this essay, Caroline. Both for the pull and tug of how to choose a place, how home pulls us but perhaps there is more than one home, how ghosts can become our friends, how the Sun card encourages us to "lean into adaptability. To hold space for wonder and keep an open mind for what will be." Thank you.
Thank you so much. I know you know the complicated (and beautiful) feelings we can have around the places we call home. Glad you enjoyed it. ❤️
I can’t imagine you in any other city, but Portland Maine might be a nice experiment ;)
❤️
You know when you read something and you’re left in tears because the author GETS IT and, even though this isn’t about you, somehow this writer is able to tell a bit of your own story better than you ever have?
I lived there for only two years, but NYC saw me through so much: a cross-country move (I also hated it at first), grad school, a massive breakup, living by myself for the first time. It saved me, and changed me forever. It will always hold a place in my heart. ❤️
Thank you for writing this. I’m so glad I found it today.
Thank you, Maria. That means more than you know. There is nothing like living alone for the first time in NYC. (Of course, I’ve never lived alone for the first time anywhere else, but you know what I mean. It’s a very specific feeling, no matter the year or street or neighborhood.) I’m so happy to hear this resonated with you. ❤️
This was lovely. There’s a cadence to your writing that pulls one in along for the ride.
I’ve only been to New York once, in my early
20s. It was only for a few days, but it was magical and still beautifully haunting.
Thank you so much, Israel. I’m glad you enjoyed both the piece and your time in New York.
Oh man. This made me miss NY even though I have been gone for 24 years (my New York). Loved every word.
Thank you so much.
I was already thinking, "This is one of my favorite Caroline essays" over and again before I made an appearance! I love this. Every sentence. Every image. Every emotion. It's all perfect. And somehow by capturing your New York, you captured mine, too! Haha. Beautiful!!! And loved the audio!
Thank you, friend. Both you and my cousin shared that same sentiment over the course of the same week, and it was so wise and true and helpful. And I'm so glad you enjoyed the audio! It's fun to put together. (Even when I have to re-record when the dog makes barking cameos.)
Oh, I'm glad!! It's a big decision to leave, if you go that route. The second I came out the other side of the Holland Tunnel with all my belongings and my two cats, I wept and wept and wept. But I knew it was the right thing for me in that time in my life. And, yes, the audios are fun. I did those for awhile (no music!) and, well, I guess forgot to keep doing them. Haha. Welcome to my brain! I hope you don't forget to do more!!