Five Big Questions: Birthday Edition

Turning the questions back on myself...

By request, this week I’m turning the Five Big Questions back on myself. As I suspected, they are a bit tricky to answer. (To all my guests, past and future — thank you! 😬)

Me, this morning, in front of a trash can.

For anyone who is new here, welcome! I’m Caroline, the human behind this newsletter. I started it in October 2021, as I was craving community and a place to write about the messy human topics that I couldn’t cover anywhere else. I decided to include a weekly tarot element, in the hope it would help people see the cards beyond their reputation for fortunetelling — as sources of art, symbolism, creative inspiration, and personal reflection.

Outside of this newsletter, I’ve written for places like The Cut, Elle, Cup of Jo, The Washington Post, Refinery29, and The Zoe Report. I’m the author of Best Babysitters Ever, a middle grade book series about three girls who start a business inspired by The Baby-Sitters Club and get a whole lot more than they bargained for. In a previous life, I’ve also worked as a book editor and ghostwriter.

And now, on to the questions…

What’s one thing you struggle with that people might be surprised to hear?
There are so many things. Where do I even begin? I struggle with procrastination. I struggle with self-discipline. I struggle with follow through. I’ll never miss a deadline or not make good on a promise, but when it comes to my own dreams/projects/desires, I have a hard time showing up for myself. I start projects and stop them. I prioritize everything but my own work. I quit before something has a chance to fly.

On a deeper level, I think it’s all rooted to a larger struggle, which is to believe in myself. I do think I’m worthy and good at what I do. But I don’t always trust that I’m good enough, or that it’s worth making the effort in a crowded, competitive world full of talented folks. When I find myself asking, Why me? I’m learning to answer it with, Why not me? It’s a work in progress.

What’s one thing you’re proud of?
I’m proud of myself for trying things, and for showing up. Over the past couple years, I’ve changed my personal definition of “success” to be more about the process than the outcome, and try to relate this to pretty much everything I do. Practically, I’m proud of writing this newsletter for the last year-and-a-half, even when I felt fresh out of ideas or afraid to be vulnerable or worried that it wasn’t sustainable. I’m proud of signing up for a 10K when I could barely run a mile and continuing to show up day after day until I could finish a marathon. I’m proud of myself for feeling proud of myself. Full stop. Without tying it to any sort of achievement.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever heard?
In my twenties, I worked at a record label as the assistant to the CEO. He was an unflappable sort — an expert at negotiating, routinely putting out fires and managing big personalities. (Meanwhile, there I was, anxiously proofreading every email 17 times before I pressed send.) One day, a worse-than-usual crisis erupted involving a tour headlining artist ditching the band and running off to Vegas for a spur-of-the-moment wedding. Everyone was running around like their hair was on fire, but my boss just sighed. “Whatever is there to be so stressed about?” he said, waving his hands in a show of nonchalance. “Get them on the phone.” He shot me a knowing glance before delivering the last bit. “When there’s an issue, you just use your words! You communicate.”

It’s not the most profound advice I’ve ever heard, but I think of it most often. You just… communicate. Not everyone will be receptive, but if we can appeal to the human in all of us, we might get further than we think.

What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever read? 
This question is impossible to answer, and I am a monster for asking it.

The first thing that comes to mind is this haiku, which I love so much I used to keep it written on my bathroom mirror in dry-erase marker:

This dewdrop world –
Is a dewdrop world,
And yet, and yet…

It was written by Kobayashi Issa, a Japanese poet and Buddhist priest, one year after the death of his youngest child. It speaks to the Zen teaching of a “dewdrop world” — in essence, that life is as fleeting as a dewdrop, there for a moment before evaporating in the sun, and we would be wise to not grow attached to it. And yet… we are human. We do attach. We do experience grief and longing, joy and compassion, yearning and desire. We do open ourselves up to all the beauty this world has to offer, despite the potential risks. So much is contained in that “and yet.”  

I would be remiss not to also mention this poem by the late Molly Brodak:

How to Not Be a Perfectionist

People are vivid
And small
And don’t live
Very long –

Every time I read it, I gasp. It’s a very short handbook for grace.

What’s one consumable thing you recommend? 
I write a lot of things longhand, and this ballpoint pen by Papier Tigre is my absolute favorite. It’s super slender, has a lovely glide, and the case comes in a bunch of colorways. I’m constantly moving it back and forth from my desk to my bag and should probably just buy another!

Most days, I consume Red Velvet Granola Butter, which has skyrocketed to my favorite flavor. It’s like eating cake batter if cake batter were allergen-free and more nutritionally redeeming.

Glossier Generation G in Fuzz is the best no-lipstick lipstick. This isn’t really news, because it’s been a cult product for a while, but it’s news to me, who shied away from the brand because the marketing led me to believe I was too old (read: not Gen Z enough) for it. Joke was on me!

(To that end, a bunch of you have requested more recommendations, and I hear you! Trust me, I have a LOT more to share. I’m working on some fun “themed” Wednesday Letters, with curated recs and advice to accompany the interviews. And of course, there will still be plenty of book reviews. Stay tuned! 😊)

It seemed fitting that this week’s quote should be the one that helped spawn this newsletter, as mentioned in the first-ever issue. Thank you for being a part of this community. It’s the very best birthday gift I could ask for.

Thanks for reading. I’ll see you on Sunday! x