29 Comments
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Raquel Oliveira's avatar

"If I’d gotten everything I wanted, I wouldn’t have wound up with so much of what I love"

My God, woman, what a sentence! It makes perfect sense. Just... damn.

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you! I was struggling with the ending and then it visited me. Love when that happens.

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Phoebe's avatar

Wow. agree. That line was incredible and literally just made me upgrade to a paid subscriber. Incredible perspective.

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Sally Jupe's avatar

Thank you Caroline for yet another 'wise' piece. This dropped in my SS tray 'literally' as I said to myself at dawn this morning, "I really don't feel like meditating and journaling today" And, in an almost silent whisper 'someone' replied "that's really OK, they are your rules". I've been taking a short course online on forgiveness and so many of the themes you mention have bubbled in and out of the writing for the course, with 'regret' often shouting the loudest. And there were with your insights, grounding me with The Fool who's been calling me for a long time now to just jump! 💜

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you, Sally! That course sounds fascinating. I’m so glad to hear this resonated.

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Hannah Levy's avatar

love that new yorker article. there's another one by the same author that's also excellent - https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2022/10/10/are-you-the-same-person-you-used-to-be-life-is-hard-the-origins-of-you

I didn't get married in a traditional way and regret nothing 8 years later. we did what felt authentic to us even when it disappointed some folks, and I'm so happy we did. there are definitely no rules, and I so appreciate hearing how others make their own unconventional choices.

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Yes! I LOVED that one. I actually kept the print version to revisit because I enjoyed it so much. And I agree - I am most moved by people doing what moves them, whatever that may be!

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Emma Goodstein's avatar

This was so beautifully written and I really needed these thoughts for my upcoming days. I struggle a lot with regret and always analyze my decisions, wondering if i am making the “right one” for myself. It’s really helpful and relaxing to realize they there is no “right” choice at all. Thank you

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you, Emma. I (clearly) share that struggle. Very glad to hear it was helpful.

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EBeth's avatar

I'm in line with Winston Churchill who said "Plans are useless but planning is essential." It seems counter intuitive but I actually feel much more free and open to serendipity if I've had the chance to plan an activity, day, dinner, trip, etc. I enjoy the anticipation but hold my plans lightly because there's almost always a surprise or two.

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Marcela's avatar

“What if you replaced “What if?” with “Why not?”

I love this and also another one I heard recently for dealing with anxious thoughts (maybe also from you???): what if you replaced “What if?” with “what is”? As in, what is true in this present moment? Is everything okay? If so, focus on that rather than on what could go wrong.

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Lizzie's avatar

I’ve also liked flipping it from “what if everything goes wrong?” to “what if everything goes right?” (or whatever the opposite question is in your situation). What if it turns out well? What if I’m happy and my loved ones are safe and we all get to have time together on this earth? What if everything is better than I could’ve imagined? It’s been really helpful for my anxious brain and has been a surprisingly easy switch!

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Minh's avatar

Wow this is magic. I love this line

"Maybe the reason I despise plans is because so many things — paths, pursuits, parties — almost never go according to one." Feeling this as a new grad, twenty something :)

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you, Minh ❤️ And congrats on being a grad!

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Thomas Cleary's avatar

If I had listened to everyone’s advice when I was just setting out after high school I might be an entirely different person but also an entirely unhappy one.

As early as second grade I already knew what I liked and disliked in clothes, my hair and books. The scene was set for “I did it my way”. Just as well, too, because the common thread from many family members and friends was to get married, land a job, buy a house and raise a kid or four. After fighting it for years (social pressure and my own fears) I came out as gay. For that alone I am so thankful that I had that independent streak within me.

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Meagan's avatar

I love your perspective on things!

And, for what it's worth, my husband and I eloped 15 years ago and I wouldn't change a thing about it. Highly recommend! :)

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you! ❤️

And that is very good to hear. It seems like the way to go! ;)

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Natalie's avatar

I love how you've taken it full circle, finishing it with a beautiful line: "If I’d gotten everything I wanted, I wouldn’t have wound up with so much of what I love" - it made me smile and think of the regrets I've had but maybe they're not really regrets because I've gotten something entirely different that I absolutely love now. Turning it around and appreciating what we rather than than all the absence of what we don't.

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you, Natalie. I'm very glad it made you smile.

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Sandra Ann Miller's avatar

So much good stuff here, Caroline. And congratulations! My unsolicited opinion is, "Do whatever the hell the two of you want!" All that matters is that you savor those moments with as little stress and as much joy as possible. xo

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you, Sandra! I appreciate it.

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Alex de Lara's avatar

Love love love this line: "If I’d gotten everything I wanted, I wouldn’t have wound up with so much of what I love"

What a good reminder… 🥹💙

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you ❤️

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🥰 Rusty's avatar

This has given me a LOT to contemplate about my own life.

I was surprised by how it affected me.🤔

Thank you.

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

Thank you, Rusty ❤️

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MM's avatar

Starting a new job today, so the Fool is well timed! Thank you as always! xx

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Caroline Cala Donofrio's avatar

The Fool is good that way. :) Best wishes at your new job! x

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Israel Sanchez's avatar

Thank you for sharing. The wonderful thing about reading and writing is that we learn that we're not alone. This reminded me of something I wrote, similar in nature, but in particularly about writing as a career path.

https://isanchez.substack.com/p/life-happens-differently

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Sharon M's avatar

I also love (LOVE) your last line. I stopped my subscription to your newsletter a while ago because of your Tarot card musings…a total waste of time and effort in my opinion. I had forgotten how much I enjoy your other writing. Perhaps I will re-subscribe and just stop reading before the last part…

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