The Best Advice I've Ever Heard
20 gems from people who've been there.
Every Wednesday, I send out a letter for paid subscribers, which I think of as a mid-week check-in. It often includes a Q&A called Five Big Questions, where a guest answers the queries I’d ask everyone upon meeting, if it were socially acceptable:
-What’s one thing you’re struggling with?
-What’s one thing you’re proud of?
-What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever read?
-What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever heard?
-What’s one consumable thing you recommend?
This week marks the 25th Wednesday issue—the silver anniversary, if you will—and in honor of the occasion, I’ve rounded up a plethora of advice in one place, for our collective benefit.
Quotes have been slightly edited or condensed, as space allows. Each guest’s name links to the full interview, to provide more context. I encourage you to explore their work!
“You’ve probably heard Annie Dillard’s famous quote: ‘How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.’ But there’s another passage from her book The Writing Life that I love even more:
One of the few things I know about writing is this: spend it all, shoot it, play it, lose it, all, right away, every time. Do not hoard what seems good for a later place in the book, or for another book; give it, give it all, give it now. The impulse to save something good for a better place later is the signal to spend it now. Something more will arise for later, something better. These things fill from behind, from beneath, like well water. Similarly, the impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes.
It’s technically about writing, but I think it can be applied to living in general.” —Tory Henwood Hoen, author of The Arc
“A 90-year-old named Margaret once told me, ‘you can’t arrange life, it happens around you.’ I try to be open to the various ways life is always unfolding, and to learn something from it.” —Madeleine Dore, writer of On Things and author of I Didn’t Do The Thing Today
“Many moons ago, I was listening to a podcast with the remarkable Ashley C. Ford, who shared this golden nugget from the poet Warsan Shire: ‘I’ll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude.’ It’s something I now carefully consider in any relationship—romantic, platonic, business. We all need time alone and I seem to need more than most people, but in general, if I’d rather be alone than with you, it’s gonna be a no.” —Nicole Christie, podcaster and founder of Tulla Productions
“A person I respect gave me this advice: ‘Do not try to be the best. Be the only.’ It helps me believe in a positive-sum world—where my success does not hinge on the failure of others, and I am not in a rat-race.” —Nishant Jain, artist, podcaster, and writer of The SneakyArt Post
“Recently, a friend shared Sean Thomas Dougherty’s poem ‘Why Bother?’ on their feed and it affirmed why I want to write.
Because right now, there is
someone
out there with
a wound
in the exact shape
of your words.
Language connects us in all the ways, and we can honor our humanity by using our words with care.” —Thao Thai, author of Banyan Moon
“It was my first day of college. Freshmen were assigned three to one dorm room, and since I arrived behind my two roommates, the better spots were already spoken for. I was left with a small, awkward space and the most run-down furniture of the lot. My mom, sensing my disappointment, said to me in Korean, ‘Whatever you touch turns into gold.’ That small moment made giant ripples in my life. It empowered me to make the most of things, to transform what I’m given into something better.” —Lydia Sohn, writer and minister
“I had an extremely hard time finding a job when I moved to Europe. One day, I called my dad in tears and bawled into the phone about how I was getting rejection after rejection. Dad, in his Ouachita County, Arkansas wisdom said one simple sentence. ‘Good brains work anywhere.’ I knew then that I’d be okay!” —Rashunda Tramble, writer, tarot reader, Reiki Master, and co-author of The Numinous Tarot Guide
“‘What we pay attention to grows,’ words from Adrienne Maree Brown. This was life-changing advice for me.” —Hannah Levy, founder of The Rebis
“I was once told by a well-known writer that eighty percent of being a successful writer is finishing the book. I knew it was true as soon as he said it. He really was not the greatest guy in the world, but I took that piece of advice to heart and tortured myself with it regularly throughout my thirties.” —Jessa Maxwell, author of The Golden Spoon
“Last summer, as I was going through some major life shifts including a separation from my husband, a family friend said, ‘Living according to your intuition is a beautiful way to live.’ It gave me the permission I needed to trust myself, which has already led to some of the most challenging, exhilarating, exhausting, beautiful experiences of my life.” —Leslie Stephens, writer of Morning Person
“I only came out as trans once I realized that I could also be a gay man, but it took me many, many years before I could feel comfortable and confident navigating bars, parties, events, etc. that predominantly cater to cis gay men. One day, an older trans man told me that I didn’t need to worry about being rejected for being trans. He told me, very bluntly, that gay men reject each other all the time, for all kinds of reasons…basically, we are constantly rejecting and being rejected by each other, and if I thought that being trans was the one thing that would keep me from getting what I wanted, I was setting myself up to have a terrible time. That has helped me immensely, and now I generally have a great time.” —Kyle Lukoff, author of multiple books including Too Bright to See and When Aidan Became a Brother
“‘Always take a muffin when they are passed.’ Essentially, say yes and hold gratitude closely.” —Libby DeLana, executive creative director and author of Do Walk
“In college, I took a Gender Studies class and the professor said, over and over, ‘Your body is not a project.’ I ignored her, because I was twenty and, therefore, knew everything. But her words have returned to me more than anything else I learned at that time. I love the message, and I love extending the sentiment to parenting: Your children are not projects to be managed, but people to be loved. I think it's possible to resist toxic grind culture while simultaneously craving a meaningful sense of accomplishment through a project. But! Not everything is a project.” —Joyce Novacek, writer and mother
“Right after I left my job at Random House [to write full-time], I had an offer to go work at another publisher. I was seriously torn about taking it. I kept going back and forth (a voice in my head saying: forget this self-employed nonsense! take the steady paycheck!) until Andrew, my husband, said very simply: ‘I think you should bet on yourself.’” —Anna Pitoniak, author of multiple novels, including Our American Friend and the forthcoming The Helsinki Affair
“The first lesson my first boss at my first real job taught me was the importance of managing other people’s expectations. The second lesson from my second boss at my second real job was that arrogance and ignorance is the most lethal combination in the world.” —Paco de Leon, founder of The Hell Yeah Group, host of Weird Finance, and author of Finance for the People
“It's simple, but: listen to your intuition. Advice I had to hear again and again and NOT follow before it hit me that it's the most important.” —Sarah Herrington, writer, teacher, and yoga practitioner
“Winston Churchill’s ‘never, never, never give up.’ That quote sat on my desk all through the darkest years and I read it to myself multiple times a day.” —Jane Ratcliffe, writer of Beyond
“‘Never quit on a bad day.’ This translates to so many areas of life beyond work. Our feelings about things will change and evolve over time. We can always start anew each day.” —Jordan Samuel Pacitti, founder and CEO of Jordan Samuel Skin
“My mentor always says, ‘imagination is real’ and ‘everything is energy.’ In those simple statements, she’s right. As humans, we have the ability to learn to use our imagination and to direct our energy powerfully.” —Courtney Dillon, intuitive, medium, and teacher
“In terms of writing, I once got this wonderful advice from Michael Cunningham: ‘There should be something slightly tawdry and trashy in pretty much all writing, if only because tawdriness and trashiness are part of the world.’ In terms of living, my extremely kind mother used to tell me to aim for kindness, and as in most cases, she was absolutely right. Actually, if I could combine those, I think ‘be tawdry and kind’ sounds just about right.” —Jessie Gaynor, author of The Glow
Thank you so much to these amazing guests for sharing their wisdom, and to my beloved subscribers for making this space possible.
Last Wednesday, I offered mini personal tarot readings in the comments and was blown away by the response! (This was partly to gauge interest as to whether to offer readings in a more official capacity…and it seems the answer is yes.) I’ve been making my way through them—if I haven’t replied to you yet, I will soon! Thank you all for being so warm and wonderful.
If you missed it, not to worry, we’ll definitely do it again. ❤️
Card of the Week
Here is this week’s card for the collective, as well as some thoughts to carry into the days ahead. As most modern readers will tell you, the tarot is not about fortunetelling, nor is it about neat, definitive answers. The cards are simply one path to reflection, a way of better knowing ourselves and others through universal themes. If this reading resonates with you, great! And if not, no worries. Take whatever may be helpful and leave the rest.
The Seven of Cups is something of an enigma. Seven goblets burst forth with curious treasures. Are they for real, or too good to be true? Is this a buffet…or a mirage?
Interpretations of this card run the gamut, but when it showed up this week, the message felt clear: it would behoove us to recognize the difference between magic and illusion. These terms are sometimes used interchangeably, wearing the same disguise, promising the same (excellent) outcomes. But in the end, only one will deliver.
The figure on this card appears to be midway through a dream. Or the prize round on a game show. Or, quite frankly, staring at their phone. Like anyone who’s ever scrolled through social media, or a dating app, or an e-commerce site during a clearance sale, they are being bombarded with shiny images, unsure of what to believe or who to trust.
The Seven of Cups acknowledges some frustrating facets of our culture. Every time we turn around, we’re being peddled an ideal to aspire to—followed by a quick fix, a miracle product, a too-good-to-be-true solution. We are constantly being bombarded with our shortcomings, so we can be sold on what to do about it.
This card invites (or, frankly, implores) us to take care of ourselves. Not in some quick-fix way. Not by subscribing to self-care as packaged by someone else. But by tuning in to what we actually need.
Much like the figure on the Seven of Cups, some of our cups are filled with our own stuff—dreams, aspirations, opinions, ideas, impressions. And other cups may be filled with, well, other stuff—gifts of society, media, family, advertising, and pretty much everything we encounter. It can be hard to tell the difference. But this card promises it’s worth it.
The Seven of Cups is here to remind us that no matter what solutions we’ve been promised, we are the only ones who can get out of our own way. And in order to do so, it might be necessary to ignore all that external noise.
First, ask yourself—what is it you truly want? How might it look? How will it feel? Try writing it down, stream of consciousness style, so it feels concrete. You may be surprised at what comes out.
The next time you find yourself being influenced—in any way—take a moment to explore. Why do you want to buy the thing, wear the thing, try the thing, eat the thing (and then post a photo while you’re at it)? Is this in service of your desire, or someone else’s? Is it magic, or illusion?
What will get you closer to your desired outcome? It may not be fun or easy or instant. It may not be popular or easily understood. It may take more work or grit or discomfort.
But the Seven of Cups thinks we’re worth it. It’s high time we agreed.
So good, Caroline. And Warsan Shire put into perfect words my feelings on relationships. Need to put that on a pillow, a t-shirt and a tattoo (if I could commit to something that long). xo
Oh my god. That Annie Dillard quote is like medicine to my soul. My natural impulse is to hoard and grasp at all my intellectual pursuits - I scratch them into notebooks or notes on my phone...but then never look at them again 😅 I’m immediately hanging this quote over my desk. Thank you!